You know what's funny. I just found this right now. This blog. I just remembered my password right now for the email linked to this blog and I got some guest comments. Only, I don't know how?

 Then I look into my at all the emails that I have missed since February. It feels like so long ago. Then I look further into my emails and realize that I actually came clean with this blog...

And I moved since then. I found blogrolling in my email only that I don't really remember how I signed up for this and I don't know if these people are here because of that. Probably.

Well, if you are actually interested. I am thinking of podcasting soon simply because saying how i feel actually confronts it as i verbally hear it and I am really trying to take steps to being more open. At least here and I am getting myself together trying to be more closed offline. If that makes any sense.

But yes, come find me. www.tabulas.com/~distinctive 

I am going to try to figure out this entire blogrolling thing. Rather than get my hopes up that I actually have any form of audience. I just really want to podcast. That way, hopefully, I'd be able to do it anywhere - since contrary to popular beliefs you can't podcast everywhere. 

At least maybe then I can convey all my thoughts right when I think them even though I'll feel stupid hearing myself. But at the same time, this way I can feel more assured. Feel like someone is actually listening.

Weird isn't it. I am so desperate for someone to listen yet at the same time - I almost want to fade into the crowd.

Okay, well I am going to post there. Maybe I'll figure out a way to combine both - but for now. This will be my backup and haven if that makes any sense.

 Thanks for reading.

[10:11PM] I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop feeling like I want someone to scream this out to.

I don't like how everyone is handling this but if everyone is handling it this way and I am the only one who's bugged by it then there's seriously something wrong....with me.

I want to talk about it. I want to clear it up. I want a general conses I just haven't found the right moment to bring it up.

I hate the fact that he's not here. I hate the fact that I'll probably never see him again.

And it only reminds me more when I think that I wasn't the only one that I should really just leave it but I can't.

And the images begin to fade here and there but the feeling, the flashes of some of the moments continue to haunt me.

I really should be studying for my math test. *sigh*

What if the regret turns out not what you done because it was the right thing to do rather its what you didn't do because now you wonder?? Where's would it have gone. Where's my limit then. How far would I have gone.

Something like that you can't determine on your own unless such a situation was given to you. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

I hold a lot of regrets on this trip - sadly and surprisingly what I didn't follow through with - this, was one of them.

I don't even think I will ever see him again. At least I know that it exists? But I also know that here's my new model of comparison.

Here's the other thing...the experience is gained nothing else is really kept from it. And now...life continues and goes on like it never happened. I get so attached so easily.

I already miss my commitee and I definitely miss being in my hotel room rushing down to debate =) I miss the Nigerian sign in front of me. But I know that this debate did make me more brave and made me more courageous, it made me a better debater from experience and observing others. I have also learned about little tips about resolutions and more about the rules.

I am becoming naturally less timid - Harvard conference will be interesting - but it will always be compared to this one and it won't the the same at all because now we no longer have most of our delegation.

[2:12PM] I just had... a view....the scene was exactly the same. Me watching Everwood and that scene, the Dynamite bags sitting right in front of my laptop...

I know I shouldn't read into it...but when I get this. It really makes me feel weird. I should really start writing all my dreams down shouldn't I? But its these snippets that have no story line that barely makes sense that are so easy to place in the back of your mind and have it pass you by.

Off to class. Let's hope I don't make a fool out of myself at my speech today...again. A lot of staying up to do tomorrow and I haven't even touched math yet...all in all not a good thing.

*sigh*

12:28AM - Still awake baby ! Let's see how long this lasts I am reading this paragraph over and over and I don't get it - I am reading the lecture notes, tutorial notes and I don't see how they semi connectg - they use the same keywords but I don't understand it in context of the reading but rather just the lecture alone.

My nose feels a little runny - which I consider normal considering everytime I wake up early to study for a test my nose is always runny (no idea)...and then I sneezed for the I don't know how many times today and I still taste it..blood in the back of my throat. I hate the taste of blood (who likes it? Like really?)..I am so tempted to cough it out which I know I could...if I start clearing my throat.

This isn't normal. I know that too but I know it can't be internal bleeding cause then I would actually have to cough up some blood - on a napkin or something...

Still it feels funny and I hate this taste that is still there in the back of my throat. Gross.